I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
