Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
