Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
