Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
