I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
