Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
