dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO