i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
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If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most