for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the day after is always just damage control
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
