Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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