I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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