So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
