i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
