I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
