I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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