life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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