If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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