Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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