It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
