He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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