That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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