I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You don't make any sense
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