Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
