More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
