I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
