well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
