how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
