After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
