I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
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Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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