what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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