And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
