I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
