what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
