the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
