I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
