I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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