guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
