A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
as a side note pls kill me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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