I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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