Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
