he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
