theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He's on the porch naked. Help.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
