4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
