Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
