What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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