Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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