I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
