Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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