mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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