y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
