Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
