Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
