First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
