So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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