you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
