shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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