I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
