It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
