nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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