quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
